Yes. No. Maybe. Aghhh! Ask anyone who I have come in contact with this week and they will probably tell you that I am the most indecisive person on earth. Well you know what, it's the damn truth. And you know what else, I'm allowed to be. I've gone from doing this competition to not doing it to do it to not and back and forth ten times more. Have mercy. It's been a cruel bout of whiplash for myself and all others involved- sorry to all those involved, love you guys for putting up with it!
I had gone through peak week without a glitch up until last night. I hit one of those mental points where I thought to myself, "okay, no matter what I do or how much I dehydrate myself, sit in the sauna or deplete my carbs until the night prior to the show, I will not look like I want to. Plain and simple. If I don't look how I want to then I don't want to do the show". The more I repeated this thought process in my head the more I went with it. Finally midnight rolled around and sometime around then I decided that I didn't want to do it. Final answer (hah. right.). I figured I would compete at an October show or better yet maybe just wait until spring. That way time was at my disposal and I could even make a few gains before cutting time. Now I'm getting frustrated that I wasted a week on steady state cardio, light leg workouts, NO CARBS and all of the other components of peak week.
Today I went back to my usual clean diet that I've been training with starting with a bowl of oatmeal with almond butter this morning. Went to the gym, did HIIT, came home and had a protein smoothie and a handful of almonds. Steamed chicken and vegetables for lunch, an apple and almonds for a snack and orange roughy, sautéed onion and olives for dinner. All things not peak week friendly. After all, I decided I wasn't competing.
Today at some point I began realizing I needed to tell all of the people that have been supporting me through this that I wouldn't be competing anymore. Easier said than done my friends. You never know how much people truly do stand behind you and support you until it comes to a moment like this. I got responses like, "No Bailey, you are going to do it. Don't even think about where you will place. Stepping on that stage is an accomplishment in itself! I will be proud no matter what, and I know you will be too after :)" and "Don't worry about the other girls! You're doing this for yourself! Everyone will be so proud of you when you step up on that stage, including myself! :) I know how hard you have worked. I'll be here for you before and after :)". Man. These kids are persistent. After multiple responses like this I'm left feeling like a quitter. A big ole baby. Now I'm wanting to do it again. It's just like they said, and I've said in previous posts, I've worked hard for this and it's not about the other girls and regardless of what happens I will be okay because I have love and support behind me. Blast.
If you thought this post would have some sort of answer or closure then I am sorry, you are sadly mistaken. I will wake up tomorrow and see how I feel, how my body is reacting to my sub par peak week behaviors today. Maybe I'll go get my spray tan on and feel like I can conquer the world or maybe I will decide that waiting is best. Ultimately I know that whatever I choose will be the right choice because no matter what everything is going to be okay and this is not the end.
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